Monday, February 1, 2010

~The Journey~

Journeys can be adventuresome, or troublesome or both at once.  They can seem so large that all you can do is seek...and wait...and seek some more.

That's where I am.  And that's where I've been since January 18th when I last blogged. 

I wrote my first blog post ever on January 31, 2009.  That was my first experience ever with writing for anyone but myself to read.  It's been spectacular...and scary...and humbling....and insecure....all in one big ball of blog.

I have ebbed and flowed with ideas, proud moments of posting, and moments of asking myself, "why did I just hit the 'post' button??? that was less than a good post." 

I have come to realize I am a slow processor.  I have to clearly feel a "leading" to write something, or it won't happen well...and I'll regret posting it. 

So with the past few weeks, I am sitting and processing.  Amazingly, I have mentioned many times in this blog in the past year how life has seemed 'big' and 'overwhelming'.   It HAS been.  Financial struggles and huge spiritual growth issues can seem 'big' and 'overwhelming'. Incredibly, this year of 'bigness' has coincided with my blog writing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I opened my blog a few days ago on January 31st wanting to acknowledge that my 'anniversary' was here.  I was incapacitated.  Words were not there.

Here's some words today as to where I am:

(1)  I am sorting out all my feelings about returning to work.  What an amazing  interesting journey.  Not only am I sorting out my feelings about it, I'm putting together resumes, and trying to figure out what job I am to hold.  What I have learned in two weeks:  I have been panicked and holding on so tightly to where I think I am to be.  As of today, Feb. 1st, by God's grace, I am letting go and letting Him direct me.  It's much more peaceful that way, by the way. 

I am also sorting out what I can contribute to the 'outside world'....realizing how locked up I am about my value or contribution in life.  By God's grace, He is setting me free of that as well.  I'm not fully there yet.  I am, however, on a journey of discovering who I am as a woman.  Not a Mom.  A woman of God. 

(2)  At the same time, as God would have it, something from my past has been dug up.  God's timing for this to emerge NOW, along with everything else we're currently going through, is beyond me, but I do see His hand in it all.  So I plow forward, grow up in it, deal with it and heal. 

(3)  At the very same time, God has my marriage in a huge growth time.  Amazing growth.  It has been a good marriage for over 7 years .  Now our marriage is growing up in some hard areas to become great.  Again, why now?  I dare not ask.  I'm just excited to see where we're going.

There.  Blah.  Truth be told.  No cutesy kid pictures this time.  No beautiful 'journey' pictures to post. Not as interesting, I know.  But I don't have the time or energy to add either right now.  If you're still with me at the end of this post, thanks. I'm honored you read.

10 comments:

Stacey at Living by Faith said...

Kathyrn,

No cutesy pictures needed. I admire your honesty. Those are big and overwhelming things to be dealing with and all at once. It is encouraging to hear you mention God in each one.

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

Oh friend...what a great...heartfelt post. I truly believe God is far more concerned with our journey...than he is in our final destination.

I can just picture Jesus sitting in heaven...smiling down at you as you continue to take one...more...step...infront..of the other!

The journey is often difficult, and hard, BUT so rewarding when you see Jesus' fingerprints through it all.

I'm continuing to keep you in my thougths and prayers my friend.

Hugs,
Kim~

Every Day Blessings said...

Thank you for your honesty.That right there is freeing. I have been on the same roller coaster for 1 month. I felt that when we moved this was God's will but so many feelings of fear have taken hold and almost incapacitated me for the past couple of weeks. Finding a job is overwhelming and I am praying for you. I know that God has the perfect job for you and for me and I am praying that we listen.
Keep moving forward, keep praying. I can't wait to see what happens for you.

Cynthia @An Accomplished Woman said...

You don't need to add cutsey pictures!! As a fifty year old woman, I have been where you are. One advantage to getting older is you eventually get past all those emotions. You are on the right path, because you are questioning if you are on the right path.

Work, kids, marriage, love, womanhood are tough to handle one at a time, much less all at once. You are an amazing mom, I assume an amazing wife and where ever you end up, you will do a fantastic job...

I will be praying for you.
Cynthia

Connie :) said...

Sister, I miss you, and I'm so BLESSED that you blog ... so I can keep up with you! You still amaze me, what an incredible woman, friend, wife and mom you are. Being REAL, as you're doing, is something I aspire to. I learn something (or at least "feel" something) every time you speak, whether it's "cutesy" or simply just very real. You go girl, with your "letting go" (and thanks for the reminder) ... love you :)

Libby said...

Your posts are so honest and inspiring. Thank you for this one as well :)

Apron Senorita said...

Hi, so nice to meet you. I’m Yoli, a fellow “Texas Blogging Gal”. I made it my goal to visit each member’s Blog. I don’t want to just “drive-thru” to meet a quota, but instead to share the gift of friendship that God gives us all. I’m excited to read your inspirational stories and see your creative works. You are always welcomed at my Apron Senorita Blog.

Kathryn, that was truly beautiful. You share from the heart and that is far more meaningful to our spiritual growth. To see ourself through the eyes of God and love ourself with his heart; is true goodness.

God Bless You!
Yoli
http://apronsenorita.blogspot.com/

Kim@Seasons of My Heart said...

Just stoppin' by to say "hi" and to let you know I've been thinkin' about you...and praying for you too!!

Love ya.
Kim`

LoneStarLifer Paula said...

Hi! I just discovered the Texas Blogging Gals network and signed up to be a part of it. I'm checking out the other members and hope to get to know you. I became a follower. You can come by and meet me at www.lonestarlifer.wordpress.com
Thanks! And, every post does not have to entertain. The beauty of blogging is being able to be open, honest, lay it all out, whatever is going on at the time. Take care.

Morning T said...

Wow Kathryn~ sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. It's funny, I was just talking to a woman yesterday about letting go of worries, fears, regrets and putting them all in God's hands. Every time I've done that (visualized my issue in a big bubble and sent it to the heavens to be dealt with and I truly 'let go') the pieces eventually fell into place.

Sounds like you're on the right path for sure!