~The Journey~

Journeys can be adventuresome, or troublesome or both at once.  They can seem so large that all you can do is seek...and wait...and seek some more.

That's where I am.  And that's where I've been since January 18th when I last blogged. 

I wrote my first blog post ever on January 31, 2009.  That was my first experience ever with writing for anyone but myself to read.  It's been spectacular...and scary...and humbling....and insecure....all in one big ball of blog.

I have ebbed and flowed with ideas, proud moments of posting, and moments of asking myself, "why did I just hit the 'post' button??? that was less than a good post." 

I have come to realize I am a slow processor.  I have to clearly feel a "leading" to write something, or it won't happen well...and I'll regret posting it. 

So with the past few weeks, I am sitting and processing.  Amazingly, I have mentioned many times in this blog in the past year how life has seemed 'big' and 'overwhelming'.   It HAS been.  Financial struggles and huge spiritual growth issues can seem 'big' and 'overwhelming'. Incredibly, this year of 'bigness' has coincided with my blog writing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I opened my blog a few days ago on January 31st wanting to acknowledge that my 'anniversary' was here.  I was incapacitated.  Words were not there.

Here's some words today as to where I am:

(1)  I am sorting out all my feelings about returning to work.  What an amazing  interesting journey.  Not only am I sorting out my feelings about it, I'm putting together resumes, and trying to figure out what job I am to hold.  What I have learned in two weeks:  I have been panicked and holding on so tightly to where I think I am to be.  As of today, Feb. 1st, by God's grace, I am letting go and letting Him direct me.  It's much more peaceful that way, by the way. 

I am also sorting out what I can contribute to the 'outside world'....realizing how locked up I am about my value or contribution in life.  By God's grace, He is setting me free of that as well.  I'm not fully there yet.  I am, however, on a journey of discovering who I am as a woman.  Not a Mom.  A woman of God. 

(2)  At the same time, as God would have it, something from my past has been dug up.  God's timing for this to emerge NOW, along with everything else we're currently going through, is beyond me, but I do see His hand in it all.  So I plow forward, grow up in it, deal with it and heal. 

(3)  At the very same time, God has my marriage in a huge growth time.  Amazing growth.  It has been a good marriage for over 7 years .  Now our marriage is growing up in some hard areas to become great.  Again, why now?  I dare not ask.  I'm just excited to see where we're going.

There.  Blah.  Truth be told.  No cutesy kid pictures this time.  No beautiful 'journey' pictures to post. Not as interesting, I know.  But I don't have the time or energy to add either right now.  If you're still with me at the end of this post, thanks. I'm honored you read.