Stylistically challenged....

I'm not even sure if "stylistically" is a word, but you get the idea.  And I sort of have a sense of humor about my dilemma.  However...

I am challenged.  C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E-D, I tell you.

For 6 years, I have been wearing yoga pants and tennis shoes or flip flops.  I've been content.  I've worn them because that's almost all I own.  And I've been happy that way.  They are comfy.  They stretch.  They fit me on skinny days...and not skinny days. 

Now, due to my going back to work, I have to actually buy real clothes.  Like shoes that grown-ups wear.  Every single day.

So I go into stores...and stare.  And walk around aimlessly...and stare some more. 
There are reasons for this malfunction:
(1)  All I've needed to function in my daily life for 6 years are...you guessed it.....yoga pants.
(2)  I haven't spent money on clothes in 6 years....due to our desire to get out of debt.  I have not shopped.  Period.

I realized very quickly....I'm no longer hip.  I never thought I be that.  Un-hip.

So, now I'm pretending to know what I'm doing clothes-wise...but I don't.  I'm trying to get educated, so as to not stay un-hip.  I'll let you know how it's going. 
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Another way I know I am stylistically challenged is this:
I decided that before I start working full time, I will finish up all those little nagging unfinished home projects that take up space in our garage and zap me of much emotional energy.

Here's my dilemma:

See, I love this look:

It's fresh and clean.

And this look:
It's simple and cozy.

And this look:

As you can see, I'm like the "Sybil" of design.  I like all of them. 

I especially like this:



















Lately I've been painting everything that isn't nailed down.....and I've been painting it black.  Yep.  Because that's the color paint I have.  And black goes with everything, right?  Right...???? 

I AM CHALLENGED, I TELL YOU.  I am confused as to which "look" I want...and how to make my house have that look with limited funds. I'm concerned I don't have the eye. 

I love the light and airy look of whites.  But I live in a testosterone-filled home...is that practical for this time in our lives?  And I'm married to a man that would love to live in a lodge in Colorado...or Pioneer Woman's guest lodge.  So, I'm trying to merge all those styles. 

I guess I'll have to create my own style. 

Where is this girl when you need her?  Or this one?  Why can't she be my neighbor?  Or these girls, my best friends?

I persevere.  I will move forward and just do what feels right in our home.  If the black is too dark somewhere, then I'll move it...or paint it again.  God help me.....

Tomorrow I'll invite you in to our home.  I'll show you where I feel challenged. 

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Lastly, look at the beauty that the Lord gave us last week...in TEXAS!  Amazing. 

After I finished my two minutes of grumbling that the boys would be home with me since the schools were closed...and my to-do list was a mile long, I then reveled in it.  And enjoyed the wonderment of it with my two little guys.  We had a ball! 

"Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow..."  Isa. 1:18

~The Journey~

Journeys can be adventuresome, or troublesome or both at once.  They can seem so large that all you can do is seek...and wait...and seek some more.

That's where I am.  And that's where I've been since January 18th when I last blogged. 

I wrote my first blog post ever on January 31, 2009.  That was my first experience ever with writing for anyone but myself to read.  It's been spectacular...and scary...and humbling....and insecure....all in one big ball of blog.

I have ebbed and flowed with ideas, proud moments of posting, and moments of asking myself, "why did I just hit the 'post' button??? that was less than a good post." 

I have come to realize I am a slow processor.  I have to clearly feel a "leading" to write something, or it won't happen well...and I'll regret posting it. 

So with the past few weeks, I am sitting and processing.  Amazingly, I have mentioned many times in this blog in the past year how life has seemed 'big' and 'overwhelming'.   It HAS been.  Financial struggles and huge spiritual growth issues can seem 'big' and 'overwhelming'. Incredibly, this year of 'bigness' has coincided with my blog writing.  Coincidence?  I think not.

I opened my blog a few days ago on January 31st wanting to acknowledge that my 'anniversary' was here.  I was incapacitated.  Words were not there.

Here's some words today as to where I am:

(1)  I am sorting out all my feelings about returning to work.  What an amazing  interesting journey.  Not only am I sorting out my feelings about it, I'm putting together resumes, and trying to figure out what job I am to hold.  What I have learned in two weeks:  I have been panicked and holding on so tightly to where I think I am to be.  As of today, Feb. 1st, by God's grace, I am letting go and letting Him direct me.  It's much more peaceful that way, by the way. 

I am also sorting out what I can contribute to the 'outside world'....realizing how locked up I am about my value or contribution in life.  By God's grace, He is setting me free of that as well.  I'm not fully there yet.  I am, however, on a journey of discovering who I am as a woman.  Not a Mom.  A woman of God. 

(2)  At the same time, as God would have it, something from my past has been dug up.  God's timing for this to emerge NOW, along with everything else we're currently going through, is beyond me, but I do see His hand in it all.  So I plow forward, grow up in it, deal with it and heal. 

(3)  At the very same time, God has my marriage in a huge growth time.  Amazing growth.  It has been a good marriage for over 7 years .  Now our marriage is growing up in some hard areas to become great.  Again, why now?  I dare not ask.  I'm just excited to see where we're going.

There.  Blah.  Truth be told.  No cutesy kid pictures this time.  No beautiful 'journey' pictures to post. Not as interesting, I know.  But I don't have the time or energy to add either right now.  If you're still with me at the end of this post, thanks. I'm honored you read.

Calling out for moral support....

Well, first I want to update you on my progress with Resolution #2, working out.  It's going fabulously.  In fact, I'm on day 11 and I feel stronger already..... very sore, but stronger.  I'm eating well...not sleeping as much as I would like...but, for the most part, doing exactly what I hoped I would. 

However, right now, I really want a cupcake.

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OK, I know there are many, many mothers out there who have dealt with this dreaded issue: 
going back to work.

If you've followed me for any time at all, you know about our financial woes issues around here.  We have been faithful to do all that we know to do, in order keep Mama home.  Well, it looks like our backs are up against a wall.  This might be the time I have to go to work outside the home.  And Mama is struggling with it a little lot....as I'm sure most women do when they face this. 

Any words of encouragement out there?

Having children makes you humble

We've been memorizing Ephesians 6:24 around here:  "In your anger, do not sin". 

Last night, on our way to a class at church, we were having fun in the car seeing who could remember certain verses.  The last verse we recited as we got out of the car was Eph. 6:24.

After class, I went to the children's area to pick up my kids, and my 3 1/2 year old had this very "guilty" look on his face.  As I went to hug him, he told me, "I have poop in my pants." 

Let me just tell you....we have worked...and worked....and prayed...and scolded...and rewarded...and prayed some more....and rewarded some more....and so on and so on....you get the idea.  THIS issue is my button that will throw me into orbit.  NOT because I'm not willing to work on it.  But because, if you knew my son, you would know he is one of the most head-strong kids you will ever come across.  And on THIS issue, he shines. 

He CAN do it.  He CHOOSES to hold the power. 

So we have gone round and round and round.  Anyway...I digress.

So, last night, I lost my cool.  But instead of yelling...or down-talking him.....I grew cold and silent...and sulked.  He knew I was mad.  My thought process the entire time I was behaving this way, was "I don't want him to do this to PLEASE me.  I want him to make the right choice."  But I stayed angry.   And distant.

I was cold to him as he tried to engage me in conversation on the way home.  I was cold to him as I gave him a bath.  I was cold to him as I dressed him for bed and went to tuck him in.  He didn't challenge me at all.  He knew. 

Once he was in bed, I was going to just simply say his prayer, put him to bed and get out of his room.  I was still too mad to engage with him.  BUT...I decided to go ahead and ask him, "what do you want to pray for tonight?"  He said:  "I want to pray that God will help me be a big boy." 

OH.  My heart melted.  He WANTS to do differently.  He doesn't know HOW to necessarily make it happen on his own.  He GETS it....at least the asking God for help part. 

How precious.  I softened.  And then, just as instantaneously, the Lord brought to my mind, "In your anger, do not sin."...and then, "Let your GENTLENESS be evident to all."  Phil 4:5.  I may not have been harsh, but I was not gentle. At all. 

As we prayed together, we asked God to forgive Mommy for my ungentle response and attitude.  AND we asked God to help my sweet little one to ask for help from a grown-up when he needs to go to the bathroom.  Our hearts are mended. 

Today is a another day.  Thank God His mercies are new every morning.

Significance....

A serious topic for the day....so hang in there with me. 

I don't think I ever consciously thought (or admitted out loud), "Am I significant?" "Am I enough?"  "Do people like me?"  "Do they choose me?" 

I am discovering that my life has been full of search for significance. 
And how, I'm discovering, this plays out in my immediate life is.....

"Is my home nice enough?"
"Are my children well behaved enough?"
"Does my husband tell me enough that he thinks I'm doing a great job at this mothering thing?"
"Will so-and-so think that what I just said was stupid?"
"Will my new community group judge me if they really know me?"
"Will my Bible Study group think I'm spiritual enough?"
"Am I creative enough?"
"Am I organized enough?"
And it even plays out in blogging..."Is my blog interesting or "captivating" enough?

I'm tired of trying so hard.  Even though I am just now realizing (or naming it) that I have been trying so hard. 

I think it's high time to truly grow up and  find my significance in Christ alone....the one who truly, deeply knows and loves me anyway.  

To Him, my home is nice enough.  He provided it.  He wants us to fill it with the things that matter:  love and forgiveness for each other, hospitality to others and instruction to our children about living a life that is honoring to Him.

To Him, my children's hearts are more important than their behavior. 

To Him, my heart for my husband is more important to God than what Bill says or doesn't say to me on a daily basis. 

To God, I don't have to be spiritual enough, or creative enough, or more witty or insightful...He loves me just as I am.  He made me.  His desire for me is that my heart is right before Him.

To God, this blog is provided as a way to journal thoughts, stories and family photos.  It's an outlet of expression.  I can so easily get caught up in the comparison game, but God wants me to be honoring in what I say.  Period.  Honoring to Him.  Honoring to my husband and family.

The search for significance....the term has been used so much and yet the "solution" is still sought after.  We still play our lives for an audience that doesn't truly matter.  What matters is what GOD thinks of me.  What matters is how HE sees me.  Even when the voices in the world are loud, God's voice is to be heard louder.

How do we do that?

We fill our heart and head with TRUTH...God's Word.  And we run over it again and again and again in our hearts and minds.  We bank our life on it.  We live by it.  We claim it.

And everytime we pick up our script and start playing life to the larger audience, and discover that it doesn't work, we go back to where the Truth is and fill our hearts and heads again.  And we do this as much as it takes to find significance in Christ alone.

...Be made new in the attitude of your minds...

Ephesians 4:23