Friday, March 27, 2009

Off the hook

I wonder if every other Mom of two toddlers feels crazy. Or is it just me? Seriously.

I turn 40 years old this year (in just a few short months) and I’m still trying to figure out how God has wired me. I guess this side of heaven, I’ll never “arrive” to exactly where I want to be.
I’ll never be 100% organized.
I’ll never be joyful in my attitude all day, everyday.
I’ll never be extraordinarily creative or eloquent.
I’ll probably never be extremely technically-minded.
I’ll probably not for a very long time have the energy at the end of any given day to read more than 5 pages of a book.

I constantly feel frustrated that I’m not “there” yet….wherever THAT is.

I have more “Mommy guilt” every single day than I ever anticipated going into parenthood.
Did they watch too much television today?
Did they read enough?
Did they feel understood and heard by me today?
Did they eat too much sugar?
Why didn’t I do more CREATIVE activities with them?
Did I draw them closer to Jesus today?
Or did I unknowingly cause them to inch away from Him, due to my reactions and my words?

Is it enough that at least I CARE about these things for them? Does that count for something, if I didn’t fully accomplish them today? I sure hope so.

Am I listening to lies I shouldn’t be? Lies that say, “When are you EVER going to get it together?”

Or am I listening to the Holy Spirit say, “I’m here for you and with you…and you don’t HAVE to have it all together. Let’s do this side by side.”

I pray I can get my head and my heart to connect on this issue…and let it all go. I hope I can struggle long and well. I love being a mother. I still can’t believe God has allowed me to take care of these little ones. Now I just need to let Him lead me. I know if I lead myself, I can’t stand up under the load I put on my own shoulders.

So for today, for right now….I will thank Him that I am who I am….I am where I am….And let myself off the hook...and enjoy His blessings.

1 comment:

Sandy said...

letting go of fear helps with freedom too. it sounds like you're a great mama! enjoy the 40s!